I could not sleep the night before Marife should come. She called me from the airport Davao, she will be there in the morning. The week as she was not here I missed her. I missed someone around me. I was not alone the last two weeks. Then one week waiting and hoping if Marife really want to come back. I tried to make me busy in this week. I still could use the laptop of her and I used my time to find a new job. I had some interviews, the rest of the time I was at home. I had no mood to meet someone. Sometimes Marife was online in a internet coffee and we could talk. And on Saturday morning i drove to the airport and was waiting if she really will be there how she said. The aircraft was to late. Suddenly I got a message from her that they are landing on an other airport, not there were I was waiting. I thought this can not be , because the information on the board was different. I saw the aircraft on the field, what is she telling me? I asked around the guards and all seemed in order. So I was waiting... It was the right airport. Someone in the aircraft told her that they are now on the other airport, and she sent direct the message to me. But in the end she was here.
The weekend was quiet, full of love and we spent the whole time in our home. The past seemed forgotten and we wanted to start a new life together. You have to start one day.. then it does not matter when it is or how long you know each other. We only can try. But the shadow followed as well. Always messages on her mobile from her husband in Canada, phone calls and online cam chats. Between she kissed me, he was online, she hugged me and kissed me. One time while he was waiting online with open cam, he was watching the wall.. we were on the sofa. This was not only kissing or hugging between, this needed a little bit longer. He was waiting...
It was Monday, she was only the second day here. We were in the afternoon in the cinema, "Angels and Demons" with Tom Hanks was on this day the first time showed, then we were shopping and it was a wonderful lovely day outside the house. She received one message after the other that she should go online and in the evening she met him online. I wanted to ignore my feelings, thought, I can only enjoy. I did not want to speak always about her shadow but on this evening something was different. She only said "sorry" and then we went after a while to bed. I saw her with open eyes beside me, watching the top of the room. Then she hugged me, but the hug was not me. I asked her what's wrong, and if she want to speak, I am the only one with whom she can speak. After a while she said to me that she plans to run away from me. She got on this evening in her mailbox the application form to apply for the visa to go to Canada. Her husband sent it and she should fill it out and sent it out. I felt a knife in my heart. This changed the situation complete.We had a long talk about, I asked her like so often, why she came back to Manila if her decision was from the beginning clear that she will go back to Davao and waiting till her husband will show up in some month. I tried to explain her what she can maybe expect in Canada. A foreign country, no way to go, only at home and waiting that her husband will come home. Is it this what she want with 20 years? We both were sad as we went back upstairs. We fall in sleep like every night arm in arm.
In the next morning she did not speak much, like every morning. I was working on the computer and she was watching TV. Then she decided to go outside alone. She asked me if I will allow her. What a question. No one need to ask me if she is allowed to go out of the house. But she is used to it from her husband and her family. She left the house to walk around and to think about herself and the situation. The mechanics came here to bring my funny car in move, so I was busy with them. Always Marife in my mind. What will be when she will come back from her walk. Maybe she is on the way to the travel agent to buy a ticket back to Davao. I was prepared that a thing like this will happen. But it was not like this. As she came back she was happy like always. All in her mind was hugging and kissing me. She ignored the calls from her husband on this day and she was not online to talk with him. The mechanics found an other problem on the car, so they could not finish this day and Marife and I we had a silent evening. She started to tell me more from her place, her family and her life there. I saw in her eyes how much she loves this place and the people there. But there was not all happiness in the life there. She told me also the sad side of her past and why she got married with this man. Also why she still loves him and why she will accept his sorry about the girl in Cebu although the believe and trust is changed to the feeling before. I still could not understand why she was here if the decision was so clear. I understood why she came the first time here. Her idea was to find out if she still loves him, to find out how it is to have an affair. Like the revenge of the woman. That we have stay longer together about the experience here in the house and that she was falling in love with me was not in her plan. I felt like the spare satisfaction, once more the fill out for missed feelings. I got really confused. We decided in all the time not to protect when we made love, with the conscious thoughts if something will happen that we will stay together. Now i understood why she came back. She wanted to be here if she will get her period in the end of the month. Anyway if something was happen in this case, then it was happen long before. We only had to wait till her period starts or not. The rest of the night was like always.. a lot of love.
On Wednesday we met a formal colleague in a Mal for lunch. We had a nice chat and on the way home she received a call from her husband. I received a message from Suzie, I did not reply. I heard beside that her husband made pressure, why she is not always online and if she filled out the form. She told him some stories and between she kissed me like always when he called. As we came home her period starts. Now it was clear that nothing was happen. In my brain came the story with Sol.. How she can be pregnant if there was not so much happen then between Marife and me? Marife had much more chances to get pregnant then Sol. I realized that all my past is still not done. Marife was in this evening extreme happy, always around me, kissing, hugging. We were like teenagers this evening, laughing and full of loving feeling. Her husband called, the first two called she missed. The third call she picked up. Once more the pressure why she don t pick up her phone when he called, why she can not be online and so on. After the call some more messages from him, we were on the sofa arm in arm and we were talking about some things and I still tried to find the answer why she is really here. She opened her messenger and her cam from the laptop and started to chat with him. I could not see the flirts there, in real it hurts me. I tried to be concentrated in watching TV. Between she flirted with me as well, send me kisses or stood up for some hugs and kisses. I went to bed. I wanted to be alone. I was sad. I realized I can do what I want, sooner or later she will pack her things and she will go away. I was thinking about to kiss her between her chat in front of the camera, to make the scandal complete and to show her husband what's really going on here, but I did not. Makes it a sense to do such things. She stopped her chat with him and came upstairs. She asked me if everything is ok with me.. I said yes, but it was not. I was sad. I asked her what she would to if she would be me and if it makes sense to fight for her. She said she would kick her out of my life if she would be me. Of cause it would be good to fight but that I can fight how I want, she will go back sooner or later. I asked her why she loves me. She said: "It is easy to love you, but difficult to forget you." I knew I waste my time to find maybe someone on my way to the luck, I was thinking on Suzie, Alma, Sol, my friends, Marife, me and on all what happened before. Maybe I should break all up, to run away, but where to run?.. Its an illusion to think that it will be better somewhere else. In the end you can run so long you want, you can not run away from yourself. With all this thoughts I fall in sleep.
The morning was normal, I woke up with Marife in my arms, I saw her morning smile but my sadness was not over. I prepared my coffee while Marife still was sleeping. As she came downstairs, everything was normal. Like a couple in love. I was working, she started with the laundry. The normal phone call and message from her husband, she told him that she is on the river in her place for doing laundry. As she kissed and hugged me like normal I said to her: "Marife you can lie to whom you want, but never lie to me." Still in my mind why is she here and how long......
We spent a wonderful time together, a normal week. We enjoyed us from the morning to the evening, all seamed so easy. Some days the mobile from Marife was off and she had no mood to be online. She was not available for her husband. Saturday afternoon. Marife was jumping and singing around the house as I received an E-mail from her husband. From were he got my mail address? He only could find it in this blog. Now it was clear he knows everything about us. How to handle it? I took Marife on the sofa, took her in my arms and told her that I got this mail and that her husband knows now all. She was in shock, how it could happen? She started to cry and scrambling. We had to find a solution how to explain it all and what will happen if they talk about. That I am on her side was clear. If he breaks up with her, then we can handle it. In this mail he asked me if he can speak with me. We decided that I will speak first a while with him and that she will be beside the talk about the messenger. I did not expect his reaction as I add him. His only fear was that someone from his relatives or friends will also find the story and that his picture, he build up from her in Canada, will get a shadow. He showed her around like a souvenir from the Philippines and he was only afraid that this “souvenir” gets a scratch. I told him that Marife was agree that I write our story and that she read it all before I made it public, with the risk that he will find it one day. His answer was only that she did not read it all, because she can not understand more than two sentences in a long text and of cause she was agree because “she would not say shit if she has the mouth full of it”, I should change the story that no one can find it out. But I have no reason to change anything here, only about a guy in Canada who is maybe hurt in his feeling? Never. I felt slowly anger about this guy. What was he thinking about his wife? How respect less was this? Marife was sitting beside the chat with him. I asked her what she is thinking about such words from him. Now she could read what he is really thinking about her. She ignored and wanted to talk with him as well. As they started to chat his only topic was his pain, how much it hurt him, and what his family will think about, but never the question why she was here or what was the motivation do be here. He was not interested in it. Marife asked him why he doesn’t ask about the reason. She had to ask three times till he asked. But he did not listen, his only point was that she has to leave the house right now and to go to her mother in Manila or in a hotel and if she would stay only one day longer he would break up with her directly. Marife tried to explain him that she needs time now to think about all and if it makes really sense to continue with this marriage and why he never asked what she feels. He pressed her to leave the house to go in a hotel and that she has to be online in the evening, but no feeling for the situation or to give her some time without any influence. No way. He continued his programming, like resetting a computer. Marife was back in the line. I don’t understand it till today, she got the chance to be free in a relationship, not like handled like a souvenir and controlled 24 hours. I gave her the time, she packed all her things and I brought her in a save and good hotel near my place. We decided that I will bring her the next day to her mother and that she will use the time till the next day to think about her future. We had a short call in the evening as I was back and I realized that she will not keep the promise not to be online for him. She was on the way to an internet coffee to talk with him once more. Now it was clear how the decision will be from her… She will go back. The next day I picked her up to bring her to her mothers place. The only problem of her husband was that she gets back her laptop that she can be online whenever he needs to see her in the cam. I asked her on the way only “WHY?” Her answer was that she knows that it is all stupid but she has to do it because her family and his family expecting it from her now… What a reason? To give up happiness, freedom only about the expectations of a family who never did something for her and about a family who she don’t know? I know the family culture on the Philippines is like this, but do I need to understand it?
On the last day as we saw us she presented me a remote controlled race car. I told her one day that I dreamed about since I am child and that I never got it. Of course I could buy it any time in my life. I don’t know why I never did it. I got tears in my eyes as she showed up with it. I did not expect that she made me such a pleasure and that she was thinking about. I presented her flowers, the first flowers she got presented in her life, even not on her marriage day she got some from her husband, and a small teddy that she will have always something to hug. It will be now for a long time till she can hug her husband or someone she loves. It was a sad last day. I brought her to the airport, we were talking about our happy time and then she left, two weeks after staying on her mothers place. Back in her line, back to Davao, waiting for her husband somewhere in Canada, or that her visa get confirmed, or that he will show up here on the Philippines for some weeks holiday. Always controlled online about calls, messages and so on… What a life. I saw her happy and we had a good time, but that something will change in her decision or that she will wake up and will realize that she waste her life?… She will not. In twenty years, maybe. We will stay friends if her husband like it or not, but we stay in touch and she will have her place in my heart.
matthias
Mixed emotions
I could not sleep the night before Marife should come. She called me from the airport Davao, she will be there in the morning. The week as she was not here I missed her. I missed someone around me. I was not alone the last two weeks. Then one week waiting and hoping if Marife really want to come back. I tried to make me busy in this week. I still could use the laptop of her and I used my time to find a new job. I had some interviews, the rest of the time I was at home. I had no mood to meet someone. Sometimes Marife was online in a internet coffee and we could talk. And on Saturday morning i drove to the airport and was waiting if she really will be there how she said. The aircraft was to late. Suddenly I got a message from her that they are landing on an other airport, not there were I was waiting. I thought this can not be , because the information on the board was different. I saw the aircraft on the field, what is she telling me? I asked around the guards and all seemed in order. So I was waiting... It was the right airport. Someone in the aircraft told her that they are now on the other airport, and she sent direct the message to me. But in the end she was here.
The weekend was quiet, full of love and we spent the whole time in our home. The past seemed forgotten and we wanted to start a new life together. You have to start one day.. then it does not matter when it is or how long you know each other. We only can try. But the shadow followed as well. Always messages on her mobile from her husband in Canada, phone calls and online cam chats. Between she kissed me, he was online, she hugged me and kissed me. One time while he was waiting online with open cam, he was watching the wall.. we were on the sofa. This was not only kissing or hugging between, this needed a little bit longer. He was waiting...
It was Monday, she was only the second day here. We were in the afternoon in the cinema, "Angels and Demons" with Tom Hanks was on this day the first time showed, then we were shopping and it was a wonderful lovely day outside the house. She received one message after the other that she should go online and in the evening she met him online. I wanted to ignore my feelings, thought, I can only enjoy. I did not want to speak always about her shadow but on this evening something was different. She only said "sorry" and then we went after a while to bed. I saw her with open eyes beside me, watching the top of the room. Then she hugged me, but the hug was not me. I asked her what's wrong, and if she want to speak, I am the only one with whom she can speak. After a while she said to me that she plans to run away from me. She got on this evening in her mailbox the application form to apply for the visa to go to Canada. Her husband sent it and she should fill it out and sent it out. I felt a knife in my heart. This changed the situation complete.We had a long talk about, I asked her like so often, why she came back to Manila if her decision was from the beginning clear that she will go back to Davao and waiting till her husband will show up in some month. I tried to explain her what she can maybe expect in Canada. A foreign country, no way to go, only at home and waiting that her husband will come home. Is it this what she want with 20 years? We both were sad as we went back upstairs. We fall in sleep like every night arm in arm.
In the next morning she did not speak much, like every morning. I was working on the computer and she was watching TV. Then she decided to go outside alone. She asked me if I will allow her. What a question. No one need to ask me if she is allowed to go out of the house. But she is used to it from her husband and her family. She left the house to walk around and to think about herself and the situation. The mechanics came here to bring my funny car in move, so I was busy with them. Always Marife in my mind. What will be when she will come back from her walk. Maybe she is on the way to the travel agent to buy a ticket back to Davao. I was prepared that a thing like this will happen. But it was not like this. As she came back she was happy like always. All in her mind was hugging and kissing me. She ignored the calls from her husband on this day and she was not online to talk with him. The mechanics found an other problem on the car, so they could not finish this day and Marife and I we had a silent evening. She started to tell me more from her place, her family and her life there. I saw in her eyes how much she loves this place and the people there. But there was not all happiness in the life there. She told me also the sad side of her past and why she got married with this man. Also why she still loves him and why she will accept his sorry about the girl in Cebu although the believe and trust is changed to the feeling before. I still could not understand why she was here if the decision was so clear. I understood why she came the first time here. Her idea was to find out if she still loves him, to find out how it is to have an affair. Like the revenge of the woman. That we have stay longer together about the experience here in the house and that she was falling in love with me was not in her plan. I felt like the spare satisfaction, once more the fill out for missed feelings. I got really confused. We decided in all the time not to protect when we made love, with the conscious thoughts if something will happen that we will stay together. Now i understood why she came back. She wanted to be here if she will get her period in the end of the month. Anyway if something was happen in this case, then it was happen long before. We only had to wait till her period starts or not. The rest of the night was like always.. a lot of love.
On Wednesday we met a formal colleague in a Mal for lunch. We had a nice chat and on the way home she received a call from her husband. I received a message from Suzie, I did not reply. I heard beside that her husband made pressure, why she is not always online and if she filled out the form. She told him some stories and between she kissed me like always when he called. As we came home her period starts. Now it was clear that nothing was happen. In my brain came the story with Sol.. How she can be pregnant if there was not so much happen then between Marife and me? Marife had much more chances to get pregnant then Sol. I realized that all my past is still not done. Marife was in this evening extreme happy, always around me, kissing, hugging. We were like teenagers this evening, laughing and full of loving feeling. Her husband called, the first two called she missed. The third call she picked up. Once more the pressure why she don t pick up her phone when he called, why she can not be online and so on. After the call some more messages from him, we were on the sofa arm in arm and we were talking about some things and I still tried to find the answer why she is really here. She opened her messenger and her cam from the laptop and started to chat with him. I could not see the flirts there, in real it hurts me. I tried to be concentrated in watching TV. Between she flirted with me as well, send me kisses or stood up for some hugs and kisses. I went to bed. I wanted to be alone. I was sad. I realized I can do what I want, sooner or later she will pack her things and she will go away. I was thinking about to kiss her between her chat in front of the camera, to make the scandal complete and to show her husband what's really going on here, but I did not. Makes it a sense to do such things. She stopped her chat with him and came upstairs. She asked me if everything is ok with me.. I said yes, but it was not. I was sad. I asked her what she would to if she would be me and if it makes sense to fight for her. She said she would kick her out of my life if she would be me. Of cause it would be good to fight but that I can fight how I want, she will go back sooner or later. I asked her why she loves me. She said: "It is easy to love you, but difficult to forget you." I knew I waste my time to find maybe someone on my way to the luck, I was thinking on Suzie, Alma, Sol, my friends, Marife, me and on all what happened before. Maybe I should break all up, to run away, but where to run?.. Its an illusion to think that it will be better somewhere else. In the end you can run so long you want, you can not run away from yourself. With all this thoughts I fall in sleep.
The morning was normal, I woke up with Marife in my arms, I saw her morning smile but my sadness was not over. I prepared my coffee while Marife still was sleeping. As she came downstairs, everything was normal. Like a couple in love. I was working, she started with the laundry. The normal phone call and message from her husband, she told him that she is on the river in her place for doing laundry. As she kissed and hugged me like normal I said to her: "Marife you can lie to whom you want, but never lie to me." Still in my mind why is she here and how long......
We spent a wonderful time together, a normal week. We enjoyed us from the morning to the evening, all seamed so easy. Some days the mobile from Marife was off and she had no mood to be online. She was not available for her husband. Saturday afternoon. Marife was jumping and singing around the house as I received an E-mail from her husband. From were he got my mail address? He only could find it in this blog. Now it was clear he knows everything about us. How to handle it? I took Marife on the sofa, took her in my arms and told her that I got this mail and that her husband knows now all. She was in shock, how it could happen? She started to cry and scrambling. We had to find a solution how to explain it all and what will happen if they talk about. That I am on her side was clear. If he breaks up with her, then we can handle it. In this mail he asked me if he can speak with me. We decided that I will speak first a while with him and that she will be beside the talk about the messenger. I did not expect his reaction as I add him. His only fear was that someone from his relatives or friends will also find the story and that his picture, he build up from her in Canada, will get a shadow. He showed her around like a souvenir from the Philippines and he was only afraid that this “souvenir” gets a scratch. I told him that Marife was agree that I write our story and that she read it all before I made it public, with the risk that he will find it one day. His answer was only that she did not read it all, because she can not understand more than two sentences in a long text and of cause she was agree because “she would not say shit if she has the mouth full of it”, I should change the story that no one can find it out. But I have no reason to change anything here, only about a guy in Canada who is maybe hurt in his feeling? Never. I felt slowly anger about this guy. What was he thinking about his wife? How respect less was this? Marife was sitting beside the chat with him. I asked her what she is thinking about such words from him. Now she could read what he is really thinking about her. She ignored and wanted to talk with him as well. As they started to chat his only topic was his pain, how much it hurt him, and what his family will think about, but never the question why she was here or what was the motivation do be here. He was not interested in it. Marife asked him why he doesn’t ask about the reason. She had to ask three times till he asked. But he did not listen, his only point was that she has to leave the house right now and to go to her mother in Manila or in a hotel and if she would stay only one day longer he would break up with her directly. Marife tried to explain him that she needs time now to think about all and if it makes really sense to continue with this marriage and why he never asked what she feels. He pressed her to leave the house to go in a hotel and that she has to be online in the evening, but no feeling for the situation or to give her some time without any influence. No way. He continued his programming, like resetting a computer. Marife was back in the line. I don’t understand it till today, she got the chance to be free in a relationship, not like handled like a souvenir and controlled 24 hours. I gave her the time, she packed all her things and I brought her in a save and good hotel near my place. We decided that I will bring her the next day to her mother and that she will use the time till the next day to think about her future. We had a short call in the evening as I was back and I realized that she will not keep the promise not to be online for him. She was on the way to an internet coffee to talk with him once more. Now it was clear how the decision will be from her… She will go back. The next day I picked her up to bring her to her mothers place. The only problem of her husband was that she gets back her laptop that she can be online whenever he needs to see her in the cam. I asked her on the way only “WHY?” Her answer was that she knows that it is all stupid but she has to do it because her family and his family expecting it from her now… What a reason? To give up happiness, freedom only about the expectations of a family who never did something for her and about a family who she don’t know? I know the family culture on the Philippines is like this, but do I need to understand it?
On the last day as we saw us she presented me a remote controlled race car. I told her one day that I dreamed about since I am child and that I never got it. Of course I could buy it any time in my life. I don’t know why I never did it. I got tears in my eyes as she showed up with it. I did not expect that she made me such a pleasure and that she was thinking about. I presented her flowers, the first flowers she got presented in her life, even not on her marriage day she got some from her husband, and a small teddy that she will have always something to hug. It will be now for a long time till she can hug her husband or someone she loves. It was a sad last day. I brought her to the airport, we were talking about our happy time and then she left, two weeks after staying on her mothers place. Back in her line, back to Davao, waiting for her husband somewhere in Canada, or that her visa get confirmed, or that he will show up here on the Philippines for some weeks holiday. Always controlled online about calls, messages and so on… What a life. I saw her happy and we had a good time, but that something will change in her decision or that she will wake up and will realize that she waste her life?… She will not. In twenty years, maybe. We will stay friends if her husband like it or not, but we stay in touch and she will have her place in my heart.
continue with---> "After all...."